HI there! What you probably already know from the title is that this blog will be about complex-trauma and my experience with it. This blog is for anyone who struggles with complex-trauma, or for anyone interested in the subject. I will be posting at least once a week. Ya know, all about the many different ways complex-trauma affects one’s life. At times It’ll be on the more scientific and clinical side of things, but what I’d really like to do is share my particular experiences with all the many ways, some obvious, some not so obvious, it affects me, and my day to day struggles. I’ll also be sharing what has worked for me in the past, and pointers that I think could be helpful. I’d love to hear feedback, and what you guys relate to.
What I’d like to make clear is that there is no one way for someone with complex-PTSD to think, feel, or behave. While there is common ground that many people with the condition will relate to, there is a lot of variety, and some articles may hit home more than others. Where to begin…there is just so much I’d like to say and express! I’ll start this blog off with a story:
Let’s take a look at pre-school me. The assistant teacher pulls each kid aside one at a time for a one on one reading session to see how each kid is progressing. It’s my turn, and I begin to read. I’m good at reading for my age and I could tell she’s impressed. I stop reading once I get to a word I don’t know. She says the word out loud and I nod like I knew it all along. ‘Do you know what that means?’ she asks. I in fact did not. ‘Yeah…’ I say, hoping she does not prod further. She waits a few seconds and then explains what it means. I’m relieved. The scene above repeats itself throughout our one on one reading session. I struggle with a word but pretend like I know it, and hope she does not question it, if she does I make up an explanation.
Let’s take a deeper look into this. Why would I feel the need to lie about my abilities? To tell you the truth I wasn’t even aware that I was lying. I didn’t realize that by making inquiries into my knowledge she was trying to assess what I knew, and what I still had yet to learn. I just knew that ‘yes’ was the answer that I observed made her happiest. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it? That’s what complex-trauma does to you, it takes away your sense of self. It makes you attuned to what other people want at the cost of leaving behind who you are, and what you want. Because of your experiences you may be very sensitive and emphatic. You may know just how to make others feel good, they seem simple and whole compared to you, they deserve to feel good. But when it comes to your own raging storm of feelings, you are at a loss for how to handle it. You probably feel so many things, but maybe partially you are confused. After all the things you feel, whether numb, or super, anxious, irritated, angry, etc. can be super confusing to wrap your head around and fully understand. Who are you? What do others think of you? How do you like to feel? What are you most in the mood for right now? The answers to these questions are there, buried under a lot of stuff, but you have everything you need inside of you to heal. It may take time and patience, but breaking free is around the corner, but in some ways an ocean away. Thank you for reading till the end, I hope you enjoyed it!