For Everyone Out There who Finds Themselves Getting into Funks a lot of the Time

There are times when I’ll just start feeling bad, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to explain the extent of how and what I feel to others. Do you guys ever have that? I’m sure you do to some extent. If you do, then we NEED to talk. 

I find that my moods could strike anywhere, anytime, and for any amount of time. I feel like the word mood doesn’t do it justice, it’s like a frightening state of mind, and during these times I don’t recognize who I am, but more about that later. The thing is, although some parts of my mood stay consistent from time to time, they somehow feel different each time. Like that anything-you-have-in-the-fridge-casserole that ends up tasting different every single time you make it. Yum! A casserole of unbridled neurosis. The fridge being my brain. I have some ideas about what makes it so hard for me to explain. A simple reason would be that when I get like that, I’m not in the state of mind to be able to begin to understand and assess (and I mean really understand and assess) how I feel.

To bring up another, more complex reason for why it’s hard to explain what I’m feeling, I defer back to my casserole metaphor; If you have a tomato in your casserole, that’s flavor number one. If you have spinach, that’s flavor number two. (‘Where is she going with this?’) But both of them together make up a taste that isn’t quite like one, or like two, it’s on its own. So if I apply this to those hard to explain moods, it’s like if you’re feeling irritated because you are pre-empting that soon you’ll be feeling anxious about how you are feeling like your brain’s just shut off, which in turn, makes your brain involuntarily shut down more, and you try to think your way out of it  by ruminating. Now you get what I mean? CRUNCH. This casserole just got  juicy. It’s like each feeling exists on its own, but at the same time because of and with others. It’s like a tangled web of cause and effect. Which usually leaves me feeling very confused, super irritated, and a boatload of everything else. In all honesty this is extremely difficult and scary to have to experience, not to mention debilitating and draining. It could be useful to make a list of the feelings that will commonly come up:

• Irritation
• Restlessness
• Confusion
• Numbness
• Meekness (un-confident, silently pained)
• Anxiety
• Panic
• Loneliness
• Self doubt
• Urgency
• Sadness
• Bereft (empty, hollow, broken)
• Rumination (obsessive unstoppable thoughts)
• Depression
• Misanthropy (hatred for humankind)

If you feel these things, I want you to recognize that hardship that each of these on their own can cause. So just imagine that confusion and fear that comes along with having more than one, or maybe even conflicting ones. While I firmly and rigidly believe that rumination should always be stopped in its tracks, there may be a need for, at a later time when you are calmer, seeing if there is a common denominator that is a main cause and could be worked on by itself. But for now that is not that point. What I’d like to discuss now is what to do at the time you are experiencing these things. The following things I wish I didn’t have to learn on my own, and I wish someone could’ve told me, but I learned through trial and error and readjusting. These are things that are important to understand when experiencing the aforementioned upsetting state of mind:

1. Your mind will try to tell you that how you’re feeling is the reality. Although maybe there is something upsetting that’s happened to trigger how you feel, PTSD makes your emotional radar super strong. Don’t mull over whether or not what your feeling warrants what is going on. Emotion does what it wants. Reality does what it wants, you can’t make them work together, but you can work with them. First take care of how you feel. Maybe at a later time you could revisit the upsetting situation. But calming yourself down, and taking care of yourself comes first. Trust me on this one, ok? Right then, nothing is more important. (There is an exception if there is an emergency that immediately needs tending to; pot of noodles up in flames, act now, you are at a party and someone says something to you about how someone else went behind your back, take care of yourself, you can sort it out later. Homework assignment due tomorrow, breathe give yourself an allotted amount of time that you have till you get started to just help yourself calm down.)
2. Your mind will try to tell you that you feel this way all the time. I know that barely makes sense. After all, wouldn’t you know how you feel? Not necessarily. The panic aspect of it will tell you that there is no alternative to feeling this way, things are miserable and you need to get used to it, and all is lost. Really this applies to everything; you won’t recognize that you’ve felt this way until after you’ve felt it.
3. You will not miss out because of this. Because of the panic, or whatever it is you are feeling, your brain may try grasping at straws, trying to find what to worry about, anything to be upset about must warrant your attention. ‘Why do I feel this way?! Who knows what I’m missing out on! Do I always feel like this?’ Forcing yourself to be calm or to focus because you feel like you need to so that you’re not missing out on enjoying life, and because ‘This can’t be happening!’ will not work, you’ll only get frustrated and put more and more pressure on yourself. Tell yourself that this is important, you should be given all the time in the world, and the most important thing is how you feel, not how you should feel. Be compassionate towards yourself, you’re in pain, you don’t need to be hard on yourself on top of that. 
4. No one can fully understand what you’re going through. It’s true. People can understand the concept of different emotions, but they can never fully understand exactly how you feel, and exactly what it feels like. You can try and explain. But if someone close to you wants to understand, but you just can’t make them no matter how hard you try, then just try to make peace with the fact that at least they care enough to try to understand. Maybe just the fact that they care is good enough for you for now.
5. You won’t be able to fully understand it. What you’re experiencing is what your body and your mind are using to protect you. If you continue remembering feeling this way you can’t get hurt, is the ‘reasoning’. Your mind is trying to protect you, so it doesn’t let you fully process what you’re feeling, but at the same time, you do feel that way. To get past this, so that you don’t continue the cycle of rumination and confusion, you have to accept that you can’t fully understand right away. You don’t need to. You just have to be patient and kind to yourself.
6. It isn’t always best to seek out others to make you feel better. This is tempting, as maybe it feels right, like it’ll help relieve your pain. Maybe you wanna confront someone who you feel should’ve been there for you. To an extent, it’s good to be able to open up to others. But be wary of those times when you are squeezing them dry. When you’re so desperate for solace you repeat the same things and keep talking in hopes to make them understand, and say the right thing to comfort you. This will lead you to a dead end, as there is most likely nothing more they can say, nothing that could make it all better. You might just find yourself frustrated and resentful. By no means am I saying that you should hide away and bury your true feelings when around them. It may be healthy for you to be open and honest. Just don’t depend on them to make you feel better. 
7. Don’t do anything you may regret. This one is self explanatory. It includes saying things to others, engaging in harmful behaviors and substances, and self sabotaging. This may be hard. Self restraint is made easier as you gain self confidence. You may not get it right the first time, but understand that that’s ok, and for next time you’ll try again. Even then you might not get it right, that’s ok. Understand that it’s ok to feel the way you do, and it isn’t good to push it down, or hide from it. It doesn’t need to be immediately alleviated like a harmful poison. It’s ok to feel the way you do. Really it is. 

I really hope that this helps. I know how hard it is to feel like that because I’ve experienced it myself. Maybe consider making a list ahead of time of what you can do to help yourself calm down. Please remember that the world does not rest on your shoulders, and that the past is in the past. Let me know if there is anything you’d like me to elaborate on, or if you’d be interested to know more about any of the bullet pointed emotions or my experiences with them. Thanks for reading, and have an awesome day!